So, many of us already know that the concept of ‘generations’ is just something marketing agencies cooked up to better sell products and services. Companies needed to understand broad trends. Trends tend to vary by age. Then, toss in some science and buzzwords. Stir. Out comes ‘Baby Boomers,’ ‘Millennials,’ and so on.
But companies also use this wicked troll to sell business ideology. And they do it through creating those fun little listicles. Here’s a link to one that I’ll use as my starting point for this one.
Let’s suppose you’re a manager of Millennial workers, and they’re catching on to your bullshit. What can you do about it?
Without further ado…
1. Make them work all the time.
Sure, you shouldn’t call it ‘work all the time.’ Just let them work from home, and then expect them to be on-call all the time. Email after hours? Set the expectation that they answer it. Project due tomorrow? They can work on it over dinner! As we’ll see from several other examples below, if you call it a ‘benefit,’ it just might make them think they benefit from it.
2. Provide frequent surveillance.
Oh yes, feedback is all the rage these days. The surveys say Millennials just love it. What better way to give feedback than to use HR and project management software to keep a benevolent eye on workers? They’ll love it. You can even make it a game.
That ought to provide all the ‘support’ Millennials need.
3. Pay them in job titles.
Hey, maybe you’re running a non-profit, and you can only pay your full-time staff $30k/year. Working them 50-60 hours a week, too? We know you can’t pay them in salary or benefits. God forbid you give them a decent health insurance plan.
Hey, I’ve got it! Give them a fancy job title instead. Why not throw ‘manager’ or ‘director’ in there, even for your rank-and-file staff? Everyone’s ‘Principal’ something or other. Get creative with it, and see what happens.
4. Force them to ‘collaborate.’
Collaboration? Millennials love that shit! You’re probably doing something to deskill your workforce. Just keep doing it, but call it ‘collaboration.’
5. Bribe them with perks.
You’ve already read #3 above, so you know you can’t pay your staff in salary or benefits. Why not throw a pizza party or hand out gift cards? Anything to avoid real costs.
6. Everything is bullshit, anyway.
Yes, the literature says Millennials hate inauthenticity. But what are you supposed to do about it, anyway? The whole world is like that. But, unlike most of the world, your office has avocado toast. Let them eat avocado toast.
7. Distract them with business theory and jargon.
Millennials love asking ‘why’ questions, and you’ve got an HR department. What a coincidence! Can’t HR chat up the kiddies with the latest hip jargon? It couldn’t hurt.
8. Get them to donate to charity in your name and then use it as a tax write-off.
Millennials love social and charitable causes. You love tax write-offs. As a result, who loses here? No one, that’s who.
9. Make up some bullshit about ‘workplace culture.’
HR loves talking about workplace culture. Consultants love talking about workplace culture. And they’ve sold you on it, for sure. Do what Silicon Valley does and capitalize on it. Those $30k/year full-timers are out there having fun for 50-60 hours per week. So, tell it to them enough times and it becomes the truth.
I mean, that’s just science.
