I’ve worked lots of jobs in the past 25 years. I’ve also joined, led, followed, and otherwise engaged with many, many activist groups over that same time period. And I can say I’ve met a lot of characters while doing these things.
What I’m saying is that I’ve seen conflicts. I’ve even participated in a few conflicts myself. And I’ve even learned a few tricks for how to handle conflicts.
Part of the background to conflict involves working with people you don’t like. And when you’ve worked in that many jobs and with that many activist groups, you’ll end up working with people you don’t like. I’ve certainly done that plenty of times, both on the job and in activist groups.
I could say lots of things about how to do it. But the first thing I’d say? Standard workplace advice misses the point.
Standard Advice
Let’s talk about the standard workplace advice.
Mostly it tells you to engage more closely with the person you don’t like, to get to know the person better. Maybe if you just empathize with the person, you’ll come to like them. You should look into what led them to do the things you don’t like, or you should spend more time with them. Maybe, so the advice has it, you’ll even become friends with them.
Yeah, maybe. But to be honest, probably not.
It happens that way sometimes. I’ve tried out this advice. In a few cases, I came to respect the person after getting to know them. In a few rare cases, I even came to like them.
But that’s a low percentage play. Most of the time when I don’t like someone, and I get to know them better, I come to dislike them even more.
Usually when you don’t like someone, it’s because you don’t like them. Getting to know them better just means spending more time with someone you don’t like. It ends in worse results, both for your relationship with the person and with the work you’re trying to get done.
Better Advice
I recommend a different route. Instead of focusing on your relationship with the person, focus on the project at hand. Do you need to work with this specific person? Could you work with someone else or work on a different project?
Bosses want you to like the other person because they’re trying to get as much work out of you as possible. They think you’ll do more work with a person you like. So, they want you to like this person, because this person works on the project with you. But that shouldn’t be your game.
So, first, don’t go out of your way to work as hard as possible. If you really need to work with this specific person, then just do your job. Keep your relationship with the person professional and to the point. Minimize the amount of time you spend with them to just the essentials. And get the job done efficiently and effectively.
At times, it helps to formally structure or facilitate the interactions. Especially with activist groups, keeping interactions open-ended often gets in the way and puts people into excessive contact with one another when they don’t like each other. This leads to hurt feelings and worsens conflict. Groups should do a better job facilitating. They should also do a better job putting people who don’t like each other on different tasks.
When and where appropriate, it’s even a good idea to ask a third party to step in and facilitate.
Working With People You Don’t Like
When thinking about these things, you should aim for the main goal of achieving personal happiness and balance in your work. The standard advice fails to help you do these things.
Usually you’re better off spending time with friends. You’re going to be happier if you’re doing things you enjoy with people you enjoy spending time with. Everything else? Try to minimize that other stuff.
